Pages of my Heart
by death-in-the-orchard
Summary: Abraham van Hellsing and the vampire Alucard. Dead and turned to memory and ink after 100 years, Alucard blows away the dust that has settled on his dead Master's heart...
1. Chapter 1

Integra straightened when she heard the intake of breath, but there was something in the act that made goosebumps rise on her skin. Her eyes twitched as they failed to move to the corner of her office on her first try. Alucard's eyes were wide as they focused on one of the innumerable books Walter had jammed, neatly, into the shelves that lined the wall. A white glove lifted, hovering near a book she could not see from her angle behind her desk. She blinked when he spoke in a manner that made her uncomfortable.

"May I read this, Master?" He was so focused on whatever he was looking at that he did not notice Integra's building disturbance. He never spoke to her in such a servile manner…with a submissive and seeking tone as he had now. There was always a sense of arrogance or equality when they spoke though he would feign to be the servant under her.

"Yes?" Integra could not hide the confusion in her answer, but Alucard was oblivious. She flinched at the sharp hiss and the smoke that billowed from Alucard's hand, the glove smoldering as the hand pulled away from the book. The vampire made another sound that was between a hiss and a disappointed sigh. He spoke without turning to face her.

"May I remove it from the shelf?"

By now Integra was standing, supporting herself with her hands on her desk, not caring that they were wrinkling some of her papers. For the first time since she was a twelve year old child, Integra doubted Alucard's loyalty and a shiver of fear shook her shoulders for an instant before she marched from the desk, towards the vampire.

"What's going on, Alucard? What is this?" She stopped next to him and her eyes shifted through the volumes, resting on the one that had a smudge of ash clinging to its binding. It was an old, red leather journal. The surface was beginning to crack, suggesting the time it had endured.

"It's Abraham's diary."

Integra's eyes grew wide and she turned sharply to Alucard, looking up into his face as the red orbs were locked on her.

"He never let me near it."

Her lips frowned, postponing her words. "Why? And why would you want to read it?" The seal. The seal….. The words were pounding her mind like a second heart. Could he be trying to escape Hellsing? Is he really….?

"I don't think it has anything to do with the seal, Master. Please do not tremble before me."

Integra's hand found the diary and she took it in her hand as she strolled to her desk. Alucard lingered but eventually followed her, silently. Integra was seated when she opened the diary. She noticed instantly where the weight of her vampire's eyes fell and she glanced at him before skimming though the words and flipping through the pages.

Dates, names, thoughts, reflections…nothing of research or of the seal…then she caught Alucard's name repetitively as she got further into the content of the journal.

…_name him Alucard. The vampire is quiet now, after the seal has settled. He had never completely awoken when Jonathon's knife was plunged into his heart, and then, afterwards, Holy artifacts had prevented his waking as we returned to Great Britain. The seal was completed when he was in this state, so he is rather unsure of his whereabouts or of what has happened. His confusion and disbelief is obvious, but it is interesting that he has also curiosity and rapture burning in his eyes…._

Integra moved on, finding the vampire's name often, but she passed it by, searching only for the seal. She did not find any information on it. Calmed by this, she cut off her sigh of relief and handed the journal to the vampire. Her brow knitted when he did not take it.

"I can't touch it." His face was emotionless, but the words made some pity spark in Integra's chest and she nodded before she spoke.

"You may take it and read it."

A glove reached out, hesitating for a moment, before Alucard grasped the journal. He drew it to himself slowly, watching its path towards him. Then his eyes flicked to Integra's and he blinked, the way in which he did it gave the illusion of a short bow, and he left by walking through the door opposite to Integra's desk.


	2. Chapter 2

_30 September_

_I could not mask my eagerness and excitement from John as I stepped from the carriage, rather jumping from the meager steps it provided me, and practically ran up to him, feeling a smile strain the muscles on my face. I inquired about our friends. He told me of the accumulation of all our journals and entries by Madam Mina's suggestion. God bless her and, really, God bless Himself for all the good he has invested into the young woman, giving her such a mind that it rivals most of those that reside in men. But I told John, and still believe, that for killing this monster, that she must not participate as, even for me, my heart is at times troubled by the semblance to humanity that must exist for the creature, while the trauma of death itself may also upset the poor woman's mind._

_My mind, as I have yet to speak of it, was blown away, almost literally for the shock of the revelation John brought me. Dracula had bought the house that rested beside the one I would soon enter. John's facility neighbored a house under the vampire's name. Excitement and cold worry touched me, but not for long, as the heat of determination straightened my features and composed my mind._

_I spoke to all of our company in a gathering and told them of the nosferatu and…_

Alucard's eyes grazed over the page, seeing the parallelism that had been provided by the obscure novel years before, so he passed this by and those of the same nature, to read what had not been touched by the novel, or perhaps only glanced in the least.

_From Mina Harker's Journal, 30 September: "I suppose one ought to pity anything so hunted as is the count. That is just it: this Thing is not human – not even beast. To read Dr Seward's account of poor Lucy's death, and what followed, is enough to dry up the springs of pity in one's heart."_

_Yes, it does pain me when I read her words over and over again whilst we still search for the vampire, but I cannot help but take into account that it is John's description that has so petrified her heart to this ill cold. John, who loved our unfortunate Miss Lucy, his words and description would make any hate the vampire, yet I wonder what has made the Count less than a beast, so to say. He is a being that was once human and, while none know of the state of vampires and their thoughts, I cannot help the unease I felt when we impaled the dead Lucy's heart with a stake. It may have appeared inhuman to John and Arthur, but for me, there lingers humanity in her that shook my heart at her death. I must kill this feeling so that I shall be capable of doing the same to the vampire we hunt. I have yet to see him, but I wish for his death all the same, for the face his actions have so painted for me is that of a monster._

_I know now of what to call him, the-man-that-was. I shall speak of him thus to my company to keep their hold of humanity and never chill their hearts completely of compassion or of pity._

_I believe I have come close to meeting the creature as Quincy Morris has just, not an hour before, spoken of and attempted to shoot a large bat that had sat and listened to my speech from the windowsill. I sigh here. My enemy knows of my presence and yet I am still unsure of his. The hunter may easily become the hunted in this situation. I do hope that the monster is where we can find him, but then, I also wish for the creature to be far from here, away from Madam Mina for I fear for her the worst. If the monster has seen me just now, then he has also seen her and I know too well of his tastes._

Alucard stopped once more and skimmed the pages, overlooking Abraham's meeting with Reinfield, searching for another event that was similar on one part. Another encounter. Another fateful meeting. October first, with the sound of terrier dogs and the screams of rodents. What was Hellsing's perception?

No. Alucard smiled ruefully to himself at the curious discovery. He had gone unnoticed during the incident. He had clearly seen each face and all had failed to find him before he had gone from the dusted room and met with the insane man who had spoken a word of permission upon some unknown fault. He had met Mina Harker, quite intimately, that night, but it was unnoticed by the men once more.

Though, the vampire felt some humor for Reinfield's quote and his eyes slowed, "…you are the old fool Van Helsing. I wish you would take yourself and your idiotic brain theories somewhere else. Damn all thick-headed Dutchmen!" That would have been useful during his time with Abraham…or during parts of it. The vampire chuckled and turned the page.

Somehow this time, though it belonged to Count Dracula, seemed to exclude him, and Alucard's eyes dimmed as they processed the words and thoughts. This man was human…almost ordinarily so, except for the topic and focus of his thoughts. Abraham van Hellsing was nothing that was the same as this man who spoke amongst humans, like a human. When he was in the midst of the devil and other evils, Alucard's third eye could clearly observe the face of a hunter, of something beyond that of a mere mortal. Those cold blue eyes alone pierced into undead flesh, tearing it forth to view the core of the demon. There was a softness in the man here… The vampire moved on from this time and sought another.

Crimson eyes halted, dimmed for the flare they erupted into and faded from, forming a dulled red, one of old blood for the sake of an old memory and the blood that had spilled that night. That was the night. Blood soaked the ground, living and dead. There were the ignorant who trembled and killed and spilled the living blood. Then there were those of knowledge. They who tracked down a monster to the foot of his castle, carrying every mortal weight that a human struggles with. Gender, age, desperation, anger, loss, hate, love, fear, God, life, and death…human, so human…so fascinating, a never dying sun that burned in their eyes that night…when the coffin lid creaked and then flew open and pain descended…with defeat, servitude…with fate.

_6 November _

_Empty and faded, but it was not despair. It was not fear. It was not anger or loss or defeat. If it had been any of these things that I had seen in the wretched beast, I would have held the wooden mallet to the Heavens for the strength to rend the vampire's heart into splinters with the stake that was thrust into his chest. No. His eyes were empty and faded, but also full, as if it were all just the surface of some endless abyss or sea. His eyes did not seek mine, though they had for a time. They had merely taken in the sight of the others, even finding dead Quincy on the forsaken ground. No. His eyes went to the dawn. They went to the sun and filled with the emptiness of the light…and they did not recoil or shut out the light…they softened. Those blood-red eyes softened into an image of peace, contentment, as if this was the sigh before the final and hard sought conclusion to a bloody, taxing war. The eyes spoke of the beauty of the next day, of the sun and the dawn. And they waited for me, somehow telling me to move._

_I worked quickly, grasping the red coat and collar of the creature and I brought him from his coffin and made his eyes come to mine, leaving only inches between them. He spoke to me, quietly, gently. It was a simple question of his loss. It was as if he was seeking to know if this was a dream or reality. I spoke harshly, as were my movements as I had forced the stake further into his heart, making him scream in agony and touch the edge of unconsciousness or even Death. _

_I do not remember half of what I'd said, but I made one point clear. The Count, the one to die after centuries of perseverance, would die as nothing, to be mere dust that would be carried off from memory by the wind. He was nothing. There should have been fear in his eyes, any man would have been shaken to the soul by the concept of dying as nothing. His eyes were the same, still with the light of the dawn, even as they closed. _

_They have yet to open again, but I know that he is not dead, beyond what state he exists in, because he is whole and not the fine powder of dust his wives had been reduced to. We travel by carriage, hiding our cargo, or rather, my cargo, from the man who holds the reins of the horses that pull the carriage forward. I know of a dark magic, an alchemy, and have spoken to the others of it. It was underhanded of me, but I worked off of their suffering and loathing for the vampire as I proposed something harsher than death for the demon._

"_See his expression of peace, and remember the one Miss Lucy had worn." I gestured towards the Count, answered only by John's eyes. The Harkers did not want to look, clinging to one another with tears rolling down their worn cheeks. "They desire death, it is what they seek. Their existences are torture."_

"_Are you saying we should not kill it?" John demanded, his eyes bright with a light I did not like. I felt Jonathon look at me at this time._

"_Yes." There was silence and I surveyed our company. I felt guilt at the sight of the American's dead body lying, unattended, on the ground, but I swallowed the feeling and went on. "There are more of his kind. We must prevent the possibility of the creation of more vampires and even more victims." Their gazes began to burn into my flesh. "I can force the Count to do my bidding. I can make him kill his children…"_

_John's eyes were wide and he stood in silence while Jonathon Harker's voice cut into me. "How? How can you be sure this monster will not become lose and kill again? What are you…?"_

"_I have knowledge of alchemy and other old magics. If we kill Dracula, that is the end of him, yes. But it is a simple, clean, and quick end. Our Miss Lucy suffered…" I had to stop to apologize to Madam Mina as I heard a muffled sob, and then Arthur who had tears on his face from the whole of the ordeal. "Trust me, as you have so far done. Please…"_

_Other words exchanged thereafter are meaningless and my mind lost them, but the result still stands. The Count will be made into my servant, and his power will be sealed while I hold the key. I just hope I have not…done something I shall ultimately regret._


End file.
